It has been a month since I’ve written here. Which felt odd because I wrote for 14 months consistently and never missed a week. I wouldn’t call the last month a season of writer’s block, but rather life block. The last month of my life, my family’s life has been the most difficult that I can remember. And maybe I am a prisoner of the moment, always (see) using superlatives to describe the current season, which has its positives. Living in the moment matters. Except when that moment is difficult. Then perspective matters which eludes me of late.
Perspective is the ability to take a step back and reevaluate the current situation in light of the past or even in light of someone else’s dire situation that eventually changed. Perspective introduced “This too shall pass” into our vernacular. She penned the silly, bathroom poem Footprints in the Sand and started the whole self-help movement. You’re welcome Steven Covey and Tony Robbins. And while I understand the point of getting a fresh set of eyes, or backing up and getting a bird’s eye view, or even the spiritual cast all my cares on Him, I just don’t know how to today.
Yes, I’ve tried everything. I take care of myself with exercise and vitamins. My schedule is not too busy and I have others bearing some of the load. If prayer was going to work in this season, it would have. There’s been plenty. And it’s not like there’s a magic amount anyway. If God was into formulas and equations to enact His desires based on our effort, then we would usurp His position at first chance. But that’s not how the real world works, contrary to the television preachers. In fact, that’s not what the Psalms look like at all. Thank God for them or I really would be completely lost.
So, I decided to sit down and write anyway. I connect with you here and have committed to not pretending. Also, when I am in a tough season, I notice that my memory wanes. But I can’t forget these moments, as hard as they are, they matter too. This is me checking in. This is me remembering. This is me documenting all of the moments of my life- not just the Facebook and Instagram moments.
Don’t get me wrong, happiness and joy and laughter and friendships are close. They aren’t fake or forced, they might be more intentional (which could be a good thing), but I have plenty to be happy and laugh about. What’s odd is that they spin simultaneously with my other emotions. Orbiting the paradox of my life that might not be a paradox at all, but maybe just life. I have found that there aren’t really any moments of undiluted, singular emotion. It’s a mixed bag of happy and sad, frustration and contentment. And that’s what life is.